My Fear of Being Perceived is Holding Me Back
In an effort to once again pivot my creative endeavors, I find myself still holding back.
Initially I started this publication to reconnect to a part of my inner child I thought was lost. (I briefly shared about wanting to be Harriet the Spy was a child here.) It’s supposed to be a relaxed curation of items I’ve found inspiring lately. Easy enough right? Right. Then why has it been so difficult to release at least a single issue? What am I so afraid of?
Something about this feels more personal than I’ve been online in years. As a Scorpio moon, feelings and whatnot are held close to my chest. My profiles are largely pretty polished across social platforms like Instagram and TikTok. I log in, post my little outfits, a song here or there, and go on about my day. No one uses Tumblr anymore, but it has been my quiet escape to mindlessly scroll and happen on inspiring art and archival Black American media. But this feels different. It’s like Tumblr’s older cousin that has her life together with her Big-Girl-Job, impeccably decorated apartment, each piece containing an interesting story or it’s own. How am I to compare?
I’m worried that my words don’t hold as much weight as I think they do. What if no one likes this? Then again, if this is truly supposed to be something for me, why should I care what others think? I’d be lying to myself if outward validation didn’t matter at least a little bit to me. In true Virgo fashion, I want to showcase the best product possible to the world, even if it’s supposed to be informal. Since discovering Substack, my world has opened up to tons of amazing writers, (brilliant Black women at that) and I just don’t want to make a fool of myself. I can feel my creative fire reigniting after what’s felt like years, and I don’t want to fail again (not that I’ve ever failed, imaginary standards I hold myself to because again, Virgo). However, I understand that I’ll never truly know until I at least try.
So here’s to trying, I guess.
With Love,
-Dani
Failure simply mean you tried and that matters the most!! I enjoyed this because I also struggling with being perceived. Just the thought of being seen as something I'm not sends me into overdrive. It took guts to even share something as vulnerable as this and I can't wait to read more of your work. I know the creativity is flowing!
“However, I understand that I’ll never truly know until I at least try.
So here’s to trying, I guess.”
That part. We often build our wings as we fly. What matters is beginning.